Below is a summarized transcript of a 30 minute call I had yesterday to (finally) cancel Time Warner Cable. It is a journey fraught with madness and despair.
I enter the maze of the phone tree, waiting about 2 minutes for the 3 operation menus to get to the "cancel service" option on each menu. I then wait on hold for about 10 minutes. There is no hold music, just the empty sound of howling wind in my soul.
I have to enter my name numerically, my PIN number, and my account number. After I provide my personal info, I am connected with a rep who then asks for the exact same information again.
Me: I'd like to cancel cable. Not internet, just cable TV.
TWC: Alright. Sorry to be losing your business. Would you mind letting us know why you've decided to cancel service with us?
Me: It's too expensive.
Which is true. I diplomatically fail to explain TWC's disastrous urge to merge with Comcast and their general monopoly effect on local cable/Internet. Plus cable is a shit service to begin with.
TWC: Is there something we can do to keep your cable service, like choosing a better value package? (Then attempts to breathlessly launch into an explanation of their multi-tier "packages" of shit I don't want to watch anyway.)
Me: No thank you. I'd just like to cancel cable.
TWC: Sure thing, sir. One moment.
(Six FULL MINUTES of silent typing. I Reddit and try to ignore the off-phone cackling and gossip from other agents)
Me: Hello?
TWC: One moment, sir. Just typing in some information. You know, looking at your account, I'm seeing that we can offer you the same service for about 20% less.
Me: No thank you.
TWC: Is there a particular reason this super deal doesn't strike your fancy?
Me: It is still too expensive.
(Several more minutes of silent typing, TWC interjecting to let me know it will just be 1 more minute)
TWC: One more minute, sir. Alright, looks like based upon your account history, that your Internet bill may or may no go up or go down in September, as this was part of a package.
Me: Fine. How much will my bill go up?
TWC: The good news is that it should stay the same, a super deal at $59.99 a month for Turbo Internet "up to" a blistering 4.5 MBPs, until September.
Me: What will it go up to after Sept?
TWC: It should stay at $59.99 until then. That's a great deal if you ask me.
Me: I'm sorry, that's not what I asked. What will it GO UP TO after Sept?
TWC: Uh, it should stay your current low, low rate until Sept.
Me: Once again, that's not what I asked.
TWC: Okay, looks like you're all set.
Without warning, I am placed on hold and then cold transferred to another agent. I am down the rabbit hole.
Me: Hello. Do you know why I was transferred?
TWC 2: I'm not sure. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?
Me: I already gave all my information to the other agent.
TWC 2: I'm sorry, there's nothing in the notes. The previous agent didn't enter any. What can I help you with today?
Me: (screams internally)
I have to explain the situation again, and am then subjected to three MORE attempts to sell me on keeping my shit cable box. I assume this is an account retention policy rule. Harangue them with "offers and deals" at least 3 times. Cold transfer until madness.
TWC 2: To better serve you in completing your request, what shows do you and your household like to enjoy?
Me: If it's all the same, I prefer not to answer.
TWC 2: I understand that sir, but to better serve you in completing your request, what shows do you and your household like to enjoy?
Me: I prefer not to answer.
TWC 2: Uh...
I have apparently broken the Hive mind. Geordi LeForge was right, the Borg do have a key weakness. I have introduced an impossible logic puzzle into the Collective. I am politely refusing to answer a marketing question unrelated to my request.
TWC 2: Um, uh... to better serve you in completing your request, what shows do you and your household like to enjoy?
Me: Are you serious? I said I prefer not to answer.
TWC 2: I know that, but we can't proceed unless you answer. To better serve you in completing your request, what shows do you and your household like to enjoy?
My cable cancellation is being held hostage. We have a situation here, people. Red Team go. THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE. REPEAT. THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE.
Me: The Food Network and NASCAR.
TWC 2: Food Network and NASCAR?
Me: That's correct.
TWC 2: Thank you, sir. You have until 6/29 to drop off the cable box.
ME: Where do I do that?
TWC 2: The closest location is 45 Minutes Away St.
Me: (cold silence of the merciless grave)
TWC 2: Have a good day. Thanks for "choosing" Time Warner Cable!
TL:DR; Forced into the labyrinth of phones menus, cold transferred to another agent with no clue, and then cable held hostage until I profess my sworn, undying fealty for Mad Men, Tim and Eric, and the Soup.
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